No one told me

No one told me it would feel like this, I thought as I let the hot water wrap around me like a blanket. I looked down at the scar from where they pried two of them from the embrace of my womb. That same womb was taken too from this body that worked so hard to keep them safe and keep me here. Breasts stretched and depleted from the years they volunteered to replace the four severed and dried up umbilical cords. All parts of this body have been stretched and pulled and depleted and offered.

And no one told me it would feel like this. Like the pulling and stretching never really stops. They just keep expanding, extending, pulling away and beyond. An image comes to mind of the four quadrants of my heart being pulled, stretched outside of my body, beyond my body. In moments I wonder if it will be ripped apart entirely. But somehow it learns to grow even when I don’t want it to. It extends and then finds rest in it’s new shape just long enough to take a breath before the pulling begins again. Most days I want it to stop, all the while hoping and sometimes knowing that the stretching is part of my own process of becoming…not just the process of their own.

But no one told me it would feel like this.

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