Seeking and feeling. Feeling and seeking.

It’s been nearly a month since electionpocalypse. I am still searching for understanding, for words, for dialogue and for insight in this post-election season. The search feels like a massive and daunting expedition. But this is what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. I lurch toward meaning and understanding wherever I can as a means to anchor myself loosely enough to survive in a chaotic world that is always in flux.

So I am still searching for new understanding. I am unpacking the theories related to the rust belt region of this country. I am attempting to move through my anger at the 81% of the evangelical vote, the white male vote, and the white female vote so that I can try to understand the why and how this came to be. Attempting is the operative word at the moment.  I am weighing the insights offered by psychologists, historians, political analysts, sociologists and others. I am trying to gain understanding from 35,000 feet while also sitting with the impact on the ground in the stories I read and hear from friends and colleagues and friends of friends. I am committed to this work not simply because I’m desperate for some anchoring in this new political reality, but because I feel more compelled than ever before to be a part of a movement and force of love in this deeply fragmented world.

These are the big thoughts. The lofty hopes of eventual understanding and being a part of a movement. And these big thoughts matter- they orient, they organize and at their best, they can inform and inspire action. These thoughts and insights matter. But there is still a significant chasm between my lofty hopes and my current emotional experience. So I am allowing space for both the searching and the feelings. Because if my experience in therapy (both on the couch and in the chair) has taught me anything it’s that feelings must be felt. There’s no other way through them.

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Reflections from a Woman Who Has Been Grabbed by the Pussy

“Grab them by the pussy…” I heard him boast. Immediately, a wave of nausea pulled the blood from my face and disrupted all contents within my stomach. It was an all too familiar indicator of past trauma. In the days that followed I watched woman after woman courageously find strength enough to come forward publicly […]

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No one told me

No one told me it would feel like this, I thought as I let the hot water wrap around me like a blanket. I looked down at the scar from where they pried two of them from the embrace of my womb. That same womb was taken too from this body that worked so hard to […]

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Facing the Pain Together

There we were, the three of us sitting in Faith’s room coming undone together. A day of reacting, of crying, of hurting led us each to our own discoveries. Faith was the one first able to get at what was going on underneath the reacting, the irritation, the symptoms. When she started to name how […]

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Rage Rising

The topic is never far from my mind. I wonder if that is true for most (if not all) women. Perhaps my own awareness of the topic is intensified particularly because of my work and training as a therapist alongside my own history of past sexual abuse. But then again, the current statistics suggest that if […]

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16!

It’s true. We have a 16 year old in the house now. I haven’t been able to write much about what that feels like as a mama. The words are still trying to find their way to the page. But I wanted to share the words I was able to share with her this last […]

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Pilgrimage to Disneyland

We just returned from a long-anticipated family road trip that included jaunts to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Disneyland and Newport Beach. We also somehow fit two different soccer tournaments for two different kids within the span of our 10 day trip. We’re a family on the move through much of life, in case […]

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Breaking the seal

I have this habit (that I’ve grown to love) of purchasing a new journal every time I begin a new adventure or enter into a new season of my life. Forsaking or letting go of the journal from the chapter that concludes always carries a great deal of ambivalence, but opening up the fresh crisp […]

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