The dreaded “c” word

Two months before our 20th anniversary, we learned that Brian had a testicular tumor and that he needed to undergo a radical orchiectomy. Two days later, I spent the day in the surgery waiting area once again reminded of how quickly life can twist and turn, leap and dive, but this time I wasn’t the one on the table. Seven days after that, testicular cancer was confirmed and we drove home to process our next steps with our four girls.

“If you have to get cancer, it’s the best type to get.” We chuckled together on the ride home. What an odd thing to say, we both thought. Despite our capacity to laugh at the irony and awkward social interaction with Brian’s physician, and despite learning all about the phenomenal cure rate of this particular type of cancer, the air between us and within us during that car ride home still felt thick with uncertainty and undeniable heartache. Here we were, facing the reality of mortality again. Death was in our midst. One could argue that death is always in our midst. It’s one of the most reliable aspects of being human – we are all inching closer to death with every breath we take. But there are times in life when death presses through our psychological defenses and sometimes taunts us, or nudges us, or simply reminds us that it’s here with us, whether we want it to be or not.

Photo by: Talitha Bullock Photography

Death was there with us in the car that day. And more than anything, it left us both feeling tired and asking all the hard yet appropriate existential questions. What is it all for and how do we know and does it matter? We were anticipating heading out of town for a long weekend the next day and thought we might save those easy conversation starting questions for a later time. At that moment, we simply needed to get home, share what we knew with the girls, pack up and get the heck out of town.

Only when we pulled into our garage, at least two blond-haired and bright-eyed girls threw open the door and squealed with pure delight, “WE HAVE PUPPIES!” Brian and I made our way to the backyard and discovered that four fluffy and ridiculously cute pups had dug under two sets of fences and crawled their way right into all of our tender hearts. We all soaked up the puppy therapy for a couple of hours as we sorted out and located the owners and reluctantly returned them to their concerned mama pooch but not without first inquiring if any of them were still looking for forever homes. And as luck (or something more perhaps) would have it, there were several puppies in need of a home. I can’t make this stuff up. On the very day we were conversing with death again, life literally dug it’s way back to us, as one friend text us that afternoon. And since there is only so much life (and dog poo) one family can handle, we made room for two additions. Meet Flynnigan Rider and Chandler Bing.

The likelihood of this particular type of cancer leading to actual death is thankfully minuscule. All the more reason for us to learn how to dance better with death now. The steps may be easier to learn when we’re not traumatized by the terror of it all. To deny that death is with us, within us and all around us is to deny one of our greatest teachers. On the other hand, to be so consumed by the presence (or fear) of death that we can no longer see the surge of life pumping through us and digging its way toward us is where utter despair reigns supreme. These pups are the daily reminder to our family of a life energy and force as we continue to navigate the reality of having bodies that are vulnerable to illness, bodies that will one day wear out entirely. But until that day – puppy therapy – it’s fur real folks. Yep. I just did that.

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Breaking the seal

13498145_10201671930998284_3887171278168271103_oI have this habit (that I’ve grown to love) of purchasing a new journal every time I begin a new adventure or enter into a new season of my life. Forsaking or letting go of the journal from the chapter that concludes always carries a great deal of ambivalence, but opening up the fresh crisp pages of the newly acquired bound book of wonder never disappoints. Apparently this need to mark a new beginning by swapping out journals has infiltrated the interwebs and has inspired me to launch a(nother) new blog.

The idea for this more personal blog has been swimming around my brain for over a year, but given the aforementioned habit, it makes sense that now in this new season of life that an unrelenting need to create a new space to catalogue the journey has pulled me along and moved me through any inhibitions or fears.

So here I am. The hubs and I just moved our family of 2 bigs, 3 not-so-littles, a 3 year old straggler and one anxious chocolate lab to Covington, WA. It was our 12th move as a family (not counting a few double moves) and now Covington is the 8th city we will call home for at least a little while. It’s a long story filled with a few chosen adventures and a few not-so-chosen adventures too. And so with this move comes some of the all-too-familiar adjustments to another new sub-culture, new schools, new surroundings and developing new rhythms as we learn to do life here together.
Truthfully, this new chapter is really just a subplot to the larger narrative that I’ve been working tirelessly to sort out most of my life. But lately, I’m more interested in learning how to delight in the living of it rather than being obsessed with figuring it all out. Old habits are hard to break, but here’s to capturing the days of our lives as we live them.

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